I have a crippling fear of judgment and being perceived negatively. Having grown up in a household where mockery was the norm, I believe this has left a lasting mark on my psyche which has resulted in me being afraid to act for fear of mockery, scorn or negative judgment. I feel this has severely stunted my social and romantic life, preventing me from making lasting friendships and relationships. I’m keen to break from this but the gnawing fear holds me back.
我有被评判和被负面看待的可怕恐惧。在我成长的家庭中，嘲笑是常态，我认为这在我心理上留下了持久的印记，导致我害怕行动，担心被嘲笑、轻视或负面评判。我感觉这严重阻碍了我的社交和浪漫生活，阻止我建立持久的友谊和关系。我渴望摆脱这种束缚，但内心的恐惧让我止步不前。
I spend my non-working days and hours cooped up in my house and alone. Crucially, this fear does not overcome me when I’m working and in fact I’m comfortable leading large groups of people and meeting new people. I believe this is because when I’m at work I know where I stand and I have a specific objective in mind. However, in my personal life whenever I’ve tried to adopt a similar mindset it has failed. How else can I overcome this fear?
我在非工作日和时间里，总是把自己关在家里，独自一人。关键的是，当我在工作时，这种恐惧并不会占据我，事实上，我甚至很舒服地领导大型团队和结识新人。我认为这是因为当我在工作时，我知道自己的位置，我有一个明确的目标。然而，在我的个人生活中，每次我尝试采取类似的心态，都失败了。我还能如何克服这种恐惧呢？
Eleanor says: There are all kinds of things we could murmur to our brains to soothe the fear of being judged. You could point out that almost nobody is looking at you; mostly people are too wrapped up in themselves. You could point out that you already know you’re competent from how you rise to occasions at work; there probably isn’t much to mock about you. You can pat and soothe your brain with evidence that the thing it’s afraid of is very, very unlikely.
伊莲娜说：我们可以对大脑低声说出各种事情来缓解被评判的恐惧。你可以指出几乎没有人注意到你；大多数人都在忙于自己。你可以指出，从你在工作中的表现来看，你已经知道自己是胜任的；可能没有什么值得嘲笑的。你可以用证据轻轻拍打和安抚你的大脑，证明它害怕的事情非常非常不可能发生。
Another tack is to say to yourself: you know what, it might happen. People might think you’re wrong, or foolish or cringe. They might laugh about something you did. They might talk about you when you’re not in the room.
另一种方法是告诉自己：你知道的，可能会发生。人们可能会认为你错了，或者愚蠢，或者尴尬。他们可能会嘲笑你做的事情。他们可能会在你不在房间里的时候谈论你。
Now what? 现在怎么办？
Would they get to be right, because they think this? Would their view about you matter more than yours? Would them looking down at you somehow mean you have to look up to them? Would it make you want to go to them for advice, or hope you could be more like them?
他们是否会因为这样的想法而变得正确？他们对你的看法是否比你的更重要？他们俯视你是否意味着你必须仰视他们？这会让你想要向他们寻求建议，或者希望你能更像他们吗？
Or would they still, in the final accounting, be just some guy?
或者，在最后的结算中，他们仍然只是某个家伙吗？
It can be so hard to see that when you’ve grown up without reassurance. Each new possible spurning can feel as existentially frightening as that first rejection from the people who were meant to make you feel safe. But these people aren’t your parents or your superiors. Even your parents weren’t your superiors. Everybody who might mock you is just some guy whose views about you do not matter more than yours.
看到这一点可能非常困难，当你成长过程中没有得到肯定。每一次可能的拒绝都可能像第一次被那些本应让你感到安全的人拒绝一样，在存在主义上感到恐惧。但这些人不一定是你的父母或上司。甚至你的父母也不是你的上司。任何可能嘲笑你的人，都只是某个观点对你并不比你自己更重要的人。
A phrase popped fully formed into my head once many years ago when I was contorting myself into knots to avoid being judged in a sexist way: “The punishments would be easier to endure than the things we do to avoid them.” You are paying with your life to avoid being mocked. Is it worth that price?
多年前，当我为了避免受到性别歧视的评判而把自己扭成结时，一个完整的短语突然出现在我的脑海中：“我们为了避免惩罚所做的事情，比惩罚本身更容易忍受。”你用生命来避免被嘲笑，这个代价值得吗？
Of course you don’t think it is. Like most of us who’ve ever avoided things for fear of others’ reactions, I know you don’t really rank avoiding mockery as more important than living your life. None of us think it’s worth sacrificing freedom and romance and friendships to guarantee we won’t be made fun of. It’s just that fear creates protective habits and protective habits make us act out of whack with our values. The greater the fear, the greater the habit, the worse the warp.
当然，你不这么认为。就像我们大多数人一样，为了避免他人的反应而回避事物，我知道你并不认为避免嘲笑比过自己的生活更重要。我们没有人认为值得牺牲自由、浪漫和友谊来保证不被嘲笑。只是恐惧创造了保护性习惯，而保护性习惯让我们违背了自己的价值观。恐惧越大，习惯越强，扭曲就越严重。
Therapy can help you get your actions back in line with your judgments about what you actually value.
治疗可以帮助你让你的行为与你对真正重视的事情的判断保持一致。
You have at least one space – work – where fear leaves you alone and you can act unencumbered. A good therapist could help you say more about why that work role feels freeing. They could help you bring that feeling to the rest of life. I know therapy’s expensive and burdensome but it sounds as if you’re really suffering living with this fear. If you’d get professional help for a physical symptom that caused this much suffering, it only makes sense to get professional help for an emotional one.
至少有一个地方——工作——恐惧让你独处，你可以无拘无束地行动。一位好的治疗师可以帮助你更多地表达为什么那个工作角色让你感到自由。他们可以帮助你将这种感觉带入生活的其他方面。我知道治疗很昂贵，也很繁重，但听起来你真的因为这种恐惧而遭受了很多痛苦。如果你因为身体症状而寻求专业帮助，造成了这么多的痛苦，那么寻求情感方面的专业帮助也是合情合理的。
It took a lot of courage to write this letter. Another kind of courage might be to practise valuing your own judgments of yourself as much as other people’s.
写这封信需要很大的勇气。另一种勇气可能是练习像重视他人的评价一样重视自己的评价。
